God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, God asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.

Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?

__ Newspaper
__ Television
__ Divine inspiration
__ Word of mouth
__ Bible
__ Torah
__ Burning shrubbery
__ Book of Mormon
__ Dead Sea Scrolls
__ My Mama Done Tol' Me
__ Near death experience
__ Near life experience
__ National Public Radio
__ Other (specify): ________________________

2. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

__ Yes __ No

If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply:

__ Not eternal
__ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos
__ Not omniscient
__ Not omnipotent
__ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
__ Permits sex outside of marriage
__ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
__ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera; Michael Jackson)
__ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
__ When beseeched, does not stay beseeched
__ Requires burnt offerings
__ Requires virgin sacrifices
__ No burning shrubbery

3. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.

__ Tarot
__ Lottery
__ Horoscope
__ Television
__ Fortune cookies
__ Ann Landers
__ Self-help books
__ Sex
__ Biorhythms
__ Alcohol or drugs
__ Mantras
__ Insurance policies
__ Other: _____________________
__ None

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity? Please check all that apply.

__ Indoctrinated by parents
__ Needed a reason to live
__ Indoctrinated by society
__ Needed focus whom to despise
__ Imaginary friend grew up
__ Hate to think for myself
__ Wanted to meet girls/boys
__ Fear of death
__ Wanted to piss off parents
__ Needed a day away from work
__ Desperate need for certainty
__ Like organ music
__ Need to feel morally superior
__ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
__ Shit was falling out of the sky
__ My shrubbery caught fire and a loud voice commanded me to do it.

5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.

__ Mick Jagger
__ Cthulhu
__ Baal
__ The Almighty Dollar
__ Bill Gates
__ Left-wing Liberalism
__ The Radical Right
__ Ra
__ Beelzebub
__ Barney T. B. P. D.
__ The Great Spirit
__ The Great Pumpkin
__ The Sun
__ Elvis
__ Cindy Crawford
__ The Moon
__ Saddam Hussein
__ Burning shrubbery
__ Other: ________________

6. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?

a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is sufficient
d. Don't know

7. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 God's handling of the following

(1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

a. Disasters (flood, famine, earthquake, war) 1 2 3 4 5
b. Miracles (rescues, spontaneous remission of disease, sports upsets) 1 2 3 4 5

7. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary):




If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes by February 30, you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approximately one in 6.626 x 10 to the 34th power, depending on number of beings entered. Thank you!

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