My Computer is Jewish

The Rabbi came over yesterday and we had a bris for my computer, taking a little piece off the tail of the mouse. If you or a friend are considering a kosher computer, you should know that there were some other changes, such as: I had to have two hard drives, one for fleyshedik business software and one for milchedik games.

Instead of getting a General Protection Fault error, my PC now gets Ferklempt.

The Chanukah screen savers include Flying Dreidels. My PC also shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.

After my computer dies, I have to dispose of it within 24 hours.

My Start button has been replaced with a "Let's go, I'm not getting any younger" button.

When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, I am instructed to "Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus".

The multimedia player has been renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!"

Internet Explorer has a spinning Star of David in the upper right corner.

I hear Hava Nagila during Startup. Microsoft Office now includes: a little byte of this, and a little byte of that. When running Scandisk, I am prompted with a "You want I should fix this?" message. When my PC is working too hard, I occasionally hear a loud "Oy Gevalt!". I saw a monitor cleaning solution from Manischewitz that advertises that it gets rid of the "schmutz und drek" on your monitor. After 20 minutes of no activity, my PC goes Schloffen. Computer viruses can now be cured with some chicken soup with matzo balls. Y2K problems have been eliminated, but the impending problem promises to cause major Tsoris. I didn't get a mouse... I got a yad, which makes sense 'cause apparently I'm not allowed to touch the Scroll bar. It didn't come with a screen-saver, it came with an electronic mehitza, which kicks in whenever I access a feminist Web site. When I open AOL, the announcement doesn't say "You've Got Mail". Instead, it says "You don't WRITE, you don't CALL!"

I don't have an Option button; instead, it says "On The Other Hand..." I don't get E-mail.... I get Eh-mail. I get all these letters which when I read them, I go "Eh, who cares? When I press Delete or Trash I get a Dialogue Box which says "Listen, you never know, you might need this someday. So Cancel?". When I click on Clean Up Windows, it tells me it doesn't DO windows. It also came with a Shabbos Goy Software Program which automatically turns the hard drive on after sundown, scans the most recent files slowly and prints out during services. For an additional $29.95 it's accompanied by a Chulent CD-ROM... that slowly surfs the Internet during Shabbos, amassing an assortment of Web sites which then sit in the Browser Cache of my hard drive and stew until after sundown Saturday. And finally, my computer always takes 45 minutes to Shut Down, unless I enter a special anti-separation anxiety command, LOOK, I REALLY GOTTA GO.


Clearly something's going on here. I thought I bought a Mac. I think they gave me a Max. Oy vey.

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