My Bubbe's Talmud

If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.

If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.

No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry; but then again, no one leaves with a hangover.

After the sixth day, God created Loehmann's.

No one looks good in a yarmulke.

The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole.

Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?

WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.

Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.

Wine needs to breathe, so don't rush through the kiddish.

Remember, even Sandy Koufax didn't play ball on Yom Kippur.

Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.

The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.

Always whisper the names of diseases.

If you don't eat, it will kill me.

Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.

Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.

Never take a front-row seat at a bris.

Prune danish is an acquired taste.

Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?

Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.

Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.

Before you read the menu, read the prices.

According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in

Chinese restaurants.

If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear.

No meal is complete without leftovers.

What business is a yenta in? Yours.

If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.

The only thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall.

Prozac is like chicken soup: it doesn't cure anything, but it makes you feel better.

Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.

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