Jokes
Jokes
In mighty ecumenical conclave, the religions of the world decide to iron out their differences for the good of humanity, eliminating once and for all the petty doctrinal disputes that have blinded their followers to their common ethical teachings. In quick succession, the Sunnis announce that they have deemphasized the Haj, the Shiites issue a renunciation of jihad, the Patriarch and the Pope, in a joint statement, give up the Trinity and the virginity of Mary, the Hindus give up on idolatry, the Shintoists animism, the Zoroastrians dualism, and so on. The Dalai Lama renounces the doctrine of reincarnation a couple of days later, and the world waits, with bated breath, as the Rabbi Lau, Rav Schach, and Rishon LeTzion Ovadiah Yosef remain locked in closed session eighteen hours a day. Week after week goes by, as wild rumors fly up the alleys of Jerusalem and across the world's airwaves. Finally, the sages step out in front of the flashbulbs, sweaty and pale. In a quavering voice, one of them reads from a prepared statement, and simultaneous translators relay his words to a billion living rooms around the globe:
After deep consideration of the momentous nature of this occasion, and with abiding faith in heaven, we have undertaken an unprecedented step, and have decided, in the greater cause of peace between the children of Adam, to eliminate the second Yekum Purkan from the Shabbat Musaf service.
One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books-- the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.
In surprise, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"?
"Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper, or my keeper's brother."
(Or, You Lead, But I Won't Follow)
DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction. All references to institutions, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
The Reconstructionist Macarena:
The dance has been completely re-choreographed, but they still use the music so we know it's the Macarena.
The Reform Macarena:
The traditional dance is on the books, but each row of dancers is free to interpret the music and determine what steps will be danced and how (Modern Reform has opted to retain the wiggle, but not the Classical Reform). Of course, they all start dancing at least four bars into the song, and usually end the dance early.
The Conservative Macarena:
All aspects of the traditional Macarena are retained, but there is mixed dancing. Most women cover their heads with their hands, but some place the hands at the back of the head as a token gesture, just to show they know the head is supposed to be covered during that step. In some progressive, egalitarian Conservative circles, the women lead.
The Orthodox Macarena:
All dancers pay strict attention to all details and never miss a step, but tend to rush through the dance using their own rhythms. They will not cross themselves by placing their hands across their stomachs, and so have ruled a heter to replace that step with a few bars of shuckling. As a "fence" to prevent any step from being missed, the song is played twice and the dance repeated. Rules of mechitazah are strictly maintained, so the wiggle has lost some of its "umph".
Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with one representative member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky.
So they finally picked an old man named Moishe, the tailor, to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Poor Moishe! What could this mean? He didn't have a clue. Moishe looked back at the pope and raised one finger.
The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple.
The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals gathered around the Pope asking him what had happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything! What could I do?"
Meanwhile, back in the shtetl, the entire Jewish community had crowded around Moishe filling his tiny tailor shop, and spilling out into the streets around it, expressing their amazement that this little, old man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible!
'What happened?' they asked. "Vell," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"And then?" someone asked.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and ate it, so I took out mine, too."
A nice Jewish girl brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. He invites the fiance to his study for schnapps.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the fiance.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions,the fiance insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "So, nu? How did it go?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
A man is caught in a terrible rainstorm. For days and days it rains without stopping, causing a flood. He is trapped in his house, but since he is a man who has great faith in God, he is not worried. He believes that God will save him.
By the fifth day of rain, his basement is flooded and his neighbors are starting to evacuate their homes. His neighbor, driving an all-terrain vehicle, offers him a ride to higher and drier ground.
"No, thank you," the man replies. "God will save me."
The rain continues. In fact, it grows worse. By the eighth day, the first floor of his house is under two feet of water, the street in front of his house looks like a river, all his neighbors have left, and he is alone in his house sitting on the dining room table calmly eating cereal.
Suddenly there is a knock on the door. A member of the Rescue Squad has arrived in a powerboat, and offers to take the man to safety.
"No, thank you," the man replies. "God will save me."
The rescuer leaves and the man finishes his cereal. Three more days go by. It rains all three days without stop. By now, the entire first floor is flooded and the man has to retreat to his roof. The National Guard has been called in and on the afternoon of the eighth day, a helicopter flies low over his house, dropping a ladder for him. The pilot calls down, "Grab hold and we'll lift you out of here!"
"No, thank you!" the man yells back. "God will save me."
Within two more days, the water has risen so high that the man is about to drown. The town is utterly deserted, most houses have collapsed, and the street have became raging, turbulent rivers. The man is sitting on his roof, waiting for God to save him. As the waters rush around his neck, he begins to fear that perhaps God will not save him and he has been mistaken all this time to have had faith in God. Plaintively, he cries out, "God, why haven't you saved me?"
A voice booms from heaven, "First I sent your neighbor in an ATV, then I sent the Rescue Squad in a boat, then I sent the National Guard in a helicopter. What more do you want from Me?"
A Rabbi was walking, slowly, out of a shul in New York, when a gust of wind blew his hat off and down the street. He was an old man, who walked with the aid of a cane, and who wasn't able to fetch his hat. Across the street, a young gentile man saw what was happening, rushed over and grabbed the hat. He then returned it to the Rabbi.
"I don't think I could have retrieved my hat by myself," said the Rabbi. "Thank you very much!" He then placed his hand on the man's shoulder and said, "May God bless you."
The young man thought to himself, "I've been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day!" He decided then and there to go to the racetrack. In the first race he noted a horse named 'Stetson' at 20 to 1. He bet $50 and, sure enough, the horse came in first. In the second race, a horse named 'Fedora' was at 30 to 1, so he bet all his money on that horse. Fedora came in first, as well.
At the end of the day the man returned home to his wife. She asked him where he's been. He explained how he caught the Rabbi's hat, and how he was blessed by him, and how he then went to the track and bet on horses which were named after hats.
"So where's the money?" she said.
"I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost."
"You fool, 'chateau' is a house, 'chapeau' is a hat!" exlaimed his wife.
"It doesn't matter," he said, "the winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulka.
Hello, you have reached the office
of the New York Board of Rabbis. Our Rabbi is ready to answer any of your
questions.
If you are Orthodox, press 6, 1, 3.
If you are Conservative, press 1 or 2.
If you are Reform, press any button you like.
If you are Reconstructionist, press all the buttons.
If you are Lubavitch, please wait a moment for the Moshiach to answer. (Beep)
Hello, you have reached the Orthodox Rabbi. The answer to your question is that it is absolutely forbidden by the Torah. If you wish to change your affiliation, press 1, 8. (Beep)
Hello, you have reached the Conservative Rabbi. The answer to your question is that we have ruled that either answer is acceptable to some of us and neither answer is acceptable to all of us. We hope that this has been helpful. If you wish to change your affiliation, press 1, 8. (Beep)
Hello, you have reached the Reform Rabbi. The answer to your question is: If you want to, sure! Why not? Who are we to say? However, if you wish to change your affiliation, press 1, 8. (Beep)
Hello, you have reached the Reconstructionist Rabbi. The answer to your question presumes that there is an answer. We have not decided that issue yet. However, my role is to empower you to answer your own question. To answer your own question now, please hang up....if you are still there. (Click)
THE FAMILIAR MIDRASH VERSION
Once there were two brothers, each with a farm on the opposite side of the same hill. The first had a family - It came to be that, during the harvest, the first brother said to himself, "I have a wife, sons, and daughters to help during the harvest while my brother has no one to help." So late at night, he would sneak over the hill to his brother's farm and leave bags of grain.
Now, at about the same time, the second brother said to himself, "I live by myself whereas my brother has so many mouths to feed." So late at night, he would sneak over the hill to his brother's farm and leave bags of grain.
One night, they happened to run into each other and each saw what the other was doing. They instantly realized what was happening, and hugged and kissed each other. And it is on that hill that the Temple was built.
THE UPDATED VERSION
Once there were two brothers, each with a farm on the opposite side of the same hill. The first had a family - wife, sons, daughters. The second lived by himself.
It came to be that, during the harvest, the first brother said to himself, "We have so many mouths to feed whereas my brother has only but himself." So late at night, he would sneak over the hill to his brother's farm and take bags of grain.
Now, at about the same time, the second brother said to himself, "My brother has a wife, sons, and daughters to help during the harvest while I have no one to help." So late at night, he would sneak over the hill to his brother's farm and take bags of grain.
One night, they happened to run into each other and each saw what the other was doing. They instantly realized what was happening, and yelled at each other and beat each other up.
And it is on that hill that the Knesset was built.
When the Ark landed, Noah commanded all the beasts to go forth and be fruitful and multiply. After a suitable interval, he went around to see how they were doing. Sure enough, all were being fruitful--except for one pair of snakes. "We can't multiply!" they told Noah. "We're adders!"
"We'll see about that," Noah said. And he commanded the beavers to gnaw down enough trees to make a big, square clearing, and then gnaw off the branches to leave only trunks. Then he bade the badgers dig four holes in a square, and had the elephants plant one tree trunk in each hole. Then, as the elephants held still other treetrunks against these four posts, monkeys swarmed up and lashed each horizontal trunk against the vertical ones, forming a framework. The elephants laid more trunks on top of that. This done, Noah had two eagles pick the barren snakes up and fly them to the top of the new structure. A few weeks later, he shinnied up a giraffe's neck to look and sure enough, the snakes were surrounded by little ones.
Which all proves that you CAN make multipliers out of adders-- with a log table.
The first 3-man space shuttle came splashing down from the moon and the ship the U.S.S. Seagull picked up the capsule.
The first man who got out of the capsule was Protestant and his minister asked him, "How was it, my son?" The Protestant astronaut answered with a big healthy smile, "It was truly a great experience."
The second man was Catholic and when he emerged from the capsule his priest blessed him and asked him, "In the name of the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost -- How was it?" He replied, "It was fabulous, Father!"
The third man was Jewish and with great effort left the space ship. He was still huffing and puffing as his Rabbi came up to him and asked, "How come -- nu, what happened? The other two astronauts came out composed and refreshed -- and you, nu?"
The Jewish astronaut answered, breathing heavily, "Every 90 minutes, shacharit-mincha-ma'ariv, shacharit-mincha-ma'ariv!"
Rosh Hashanah -- Feast
Tzom Gedalia -- Fast
Yom Kippur -- More fasting
Sukkot -- Feast
Hoshanah Rabbah -- More feasting
Simchat Torah -- Keep feasting
Mar Heshvan -- No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on yourself.
Chanukah -- Eat potato pancakes
Tenth of Tevet -- Do not eat potato pancakes
Tu B'Shevat -- Feast
Fast of Esther -- Fast
Purim -- Eat pastry
Passover -- Do not eat pastry
Shavuot -- Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes etc.)
Seventeenth of Tammuz -- Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)
Tisha B'Av -- Very strict fast (don't even think about cheesecake or blintzes)
Month of Elul -- End of cycle.
Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders before High Holidays arrive again.
Lehitra Oats
Rashi Road
Olive Hashalom
Oy Ge-malt
Wailing Walnut
Cherry Bim
Cherry Bum
Bubble G'mora
Mi Ka-mocha
Lemontashens
Soda & Gomorra
Manishta Nut
Moishmallow
Chazalnut
Mazel Toffee
Balak Berry
Lubavicher Resberry
Abba Ebanana
Bernard Malamint
Cashew Le'Pesach
Chuppapaya
Butter Shkotz
O-lime Habah
Berry Pr'i Hagafen
Choc-Eilat Chip
(All flavors come in a Cohen).
Three men, an Italian, a Frenchman, and a Jew, were condemned to be executed. Their captors told them that they had the right to a final meal of their choice before the execution.
They asked the Frenchman what he wanted. "Give me some good French wine and French bread," he requested. So they gave it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him.
Next it was the Italian's turn. "Give me a big plate of pasta," said the Italian. So they brought it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him.
Now it was the Jewish fellow's turn. "I want a big bowl of strawberries, " said the Jew.
"Strawberries! It's September. Strawberries aren't in season for months!" exclaimed his captors.
"So...I'll wait!"
Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, your PC would get "Verklempt".
"Year 2000" issues would be replaced by "Year 5760-5761" issues.
Hanukkah screen savers would have "Flying Dreidels".
Your PC would shut down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
After your computer dies, you would dispose of it within 24 hours.
Your "Start" button would be replaced with a "Let s go! I m not getting any younger!" button.
"Abort, Retry, Ignore" would be replaced with "Stop it already--You re killing me! You vant I should try it again? I didn t hear that!"
When disconnecting external devices from the back of your PC, you would be instructed to "Remove the cable from your PC's tuchis".
Your multimedia player would be renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!"
Internet Explorer would now have a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.
You would hear the tune "Hava Nagila" during startup.
Microsoft Office would include "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that."
When running "scandisk", you would be prompted with a "You vant I should fix this?" message.
When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud "Oy!!!"
A "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz would advertise that it gets rid of the "schmutz" on your monitor.
After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go "schloffen."
Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.
Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a park bench in Miami Beach talking about (what else?) how much their sons love them.
Sadie says "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother."
Minnie says,"You call that love? You know the Eldorado Cadillac I just got for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie. What a doll."
Shirley says "That's nothing. You know my son Stanley? He's in analysis with a psychoanalyst on Park Ave. Five session a week. And what does he talk about? Me!"
After months of negotiation, a Jewish scholar from Odessa was granted permission to visit Moscow. He boarded the train and found an empty seat. At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him.
The scholar looked at the young man and thought: This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this district.
If he comes from this district, he must be Jewish because this is, after all, the Jewish district.
On the other hand, if he is a Jew where could he be going? I'm the only one in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow.
Wait - just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and you don't need special permission to go there.
But why would he be going to Samvet? He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish families are there in Samvet? Only two - the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs.
The Bernsteins are a terrible family, so he must be visiting the Steinbergs.
But why is he going? The Steinbergs have only girls, so maybe he's their son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughter did he marry?
Sarah married that nice lawyer from Budapest and Esther married a businessman from Zhadomir, so it must be Sarah's husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken.
But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name. What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs. But if he changed his name he must have some special status. What could it be? Aha, a doctorate from the University !
At this point the scholar turns to the young man and said, "How do you do, Dr Kovacs?"
"Very well, thank you, sir" answered the startled passenger. "But how is it that you know my name?"
"Oh," replied the scholar, "it was obvious".